Fairytale
by randomness6
Summary: Torchwood now have to deal with that annoying narrator. Now John has turned up this will not end well. Rating for innuendo and language.


**Fairytale**

**I don't own Torchwood. If I did then Ianto, Tosh and Owen would still be alive and John Hart and Ianto would be more central characters.**

_Italics - Narrator_

_Once upon a time in a land far away, there were five people struggling to keep Earth safe from -_

"You are kidding me, aren't you? Do we look like we are struggling with anything," Owen yelled at the narrator as he stabbed the alien he was supposed to be disecting.

Jack shouted across to Owen, "Hey, she controls how our lives go so don't annoy her." Owen scowled at Jack before turning back to the alien.

_ Anyway, as I was saying, there were five people struggling to keep Earth safe from aliens and other paranormal beings._

Owen snorted. Jack looked across and shook his head at him while struggling to hold back a smile.

_What?_

"Paranormal beings," Owen mumbled, "Who are you trying to impress?"

_Soon the rest of the team entered causing Owen to turn around not noticing that the body he was disecting was oozing neon green blood onto Ianto's just cleaned floor._

"I might not have noticed if you hadn't said that," Owen informed the narrator who was getting increasingly frustrated.

_Suddenly, some of the blood dropped onto Owen's hand causing him to start talking backwards._

"Tahw! Yhw? Uoy ot od I did tahw?" Owen screamed.

_You annoyed me, okay! Now say sorry!_

"Enif, yrros m'I," Owen screamed to the sky.

_Good. Thankfully Ianto had the antidote at hand as he was extremely organised and liked to be ready for anything. Ianto passed the vial full of vibrant red liquid to Owen who grimaced as he swallowed the liquid which had a faint taste of iron. _

"Are you describing blood?" Tosh chimed from the sidelines as she tried to get up the nerve to talk more among her collagues.

_Yeah, I'm not to sure why. Anyway, the Torchwood team finally started to settle down, not realising that Captain John Hart was going to be popping in soon._

"Oh god, not him!" Ianto groaned as he collapsed onto the couch. Captain John Hart suddenly appeared looking amazed as he realised where he was.

"What am I doing here? I thought I was going to Barcelona - the planet, not the city," John questioned the team.

_I brought you here._

"Okay then," John drawled, "A couple of questions. One, who are you? And two, why did you bring me here?"

_I am the narrator. I dictate where everyone's lifes will go and what happens. I brought you here because I like you and decided your visit was overdue._

John smirked, "Fine, if you can decide what is going to happen, prove it!"

_Suddenly, Ianto came over and kissed John._

"Yeah, unfortunately that will never happen," John sighed.

_Wait for it._

Ianto got up from his place on the couch and hurried over to the middle of the hub where John stood pouting. He paused for a moment before leaning forward and gently kissing John on the lips, holding that position for a moment and then pulling away. "Did you really have to make me do that?" Ianto asked annoyed.

_Sorry Ianto just trying to prove a point._

"John, snap out of it!" Jack snapped at John, who had started day dreaming, looking annoyed at both John and the narrator. Jack walked across to Ianto and pulled him towards his chest cuddling him possessively.

"Hey Eyecandy, can I get another kiss?" John asked Ianto looking hopeful"

Ianto rolled his eyes before replying, "Dream on."

"Hey John, stay away from my boyfriend!" exclaimed Jack glaring at the other time agent.

_You lot better not start fighting or I will lock you all in a cell together._

"Terrified," John mumbled under his breathe.

_That's it. You've annoyed be now._

Suddenly the alarm went off indicating that there was an intruder in the cell area. Jack, John and Ianto sprinted towards the cells, not even pausing to see whether the rest of the team were behind them. As they arrived, they noticed a small object in the corner of one of the cells. They all crowded into the cell surrounding the object then...

_**Bang.**_

The cell door banged closed. "What the hell happened there?" shouted Jack.

_I did they that I would lock you in if you started argueing._

"We weren't argueing," Jack snapped at the narrator.

_Yeah, well, John annoyed me so I decided to do it anyway. You will get out when I decide to let you out._

"Well I've got an idea as to what we could do while we're in here," John smirked at the other two, "Anyone fancy an orgy?" John wiggled his eyebrows suggestively. Ianto groaned and banged his head against the bars of the cell.

**Meanwhile upstairs,**

Owen started glaring at mid air as he lay on the ground struggling to get up as he was pinned down by a statue that had appeared out of nowhere. "I never even did anything there!" Owen screamed at the narrator.

_Yes but I'm bored and since John, Jack and Ianto are already being punished, I can't do anything to them. You are the only other person that has annoyed me so you're next in line for payback._

"Gwen, help me!" Owen screamed into his comms.

_No one can hear you._

"Owen, is that you?" Owen heard Jack's voice echoing over the comms.

_Oh man._

"Yeah, it's me! Listen I'm pinned down to the floor by a statue. Oh, and by the way, we really need to get rid of this narrator.," Owen hurriedly said to Jack.

_You will never get rid of me!_

"Guys, we never had the narrator before or at least we never heard her before. We need to find out why she is hear so suddenly," Ianto added in, "I've got an idea what caused it." Jack nodded at him and passed his comms system to him. Ianto put the comms in and quickly instructed Tosh, who was lying upstairs on the couch after the narrator decided that she deserved a rest, "There is an alien object lying on Jack's desk. Go get it." Tosh quickly jumped to her feet and raced to Jack's office.

"Okay, I have it," Tosh informed Ianto.

"There should be a switch on the back of the object, flip it," Ianto instructed Tosh.

_Wait, don't, please._

Tosh ignored the narrator and turned over the small, green disk which was covered in orange fur. The disk was flat except for one switch at one side of the disk. Tosh flicked the yellow switch.

_Nooooooo._

The narrator's voice echoed before fading into silence.

_Guys can you hear me?_

"I can't hear anything, can you?" Tosh asked the others over the comms. Everyone replied that they could not in fact hear the narrator anymore.

_But I'm right here. Wait a moment, they can't hear me but I am still in control._

The narrator laughed. Tosh went up to find Owen pinned to the floor still. She helped him move the statue, took off her and Owen's comms and then left with him to go home. Gwen wandered into the central area of the hub. She took one look at the pile of comms, decided that she was going home, added her comms to the pile and left.

'I've got a feeling that I've forget something,' Gwen thought subconsciously echoing the thoughts of her other collegues who had also left.

_And so they they all lived happily ever after. The end._

"Emmm, guys where are you?" Ianto asked over the comms.

"I think they all left," Jack panicked.

"What, so it's just three all alone, all night," John smiled. Jack and Ianto exchanged worried glances. "I've got an idea what we should do!" John murmurred seductively. Ianto rolled his eyes before groaning and dropping to the ground.


End file.
